busy bride

We're 11 days away, and I am having so much fun preparing for our wedding!
I don't know how many times I've been to Michael's and JoAnn's craft stores in the last two weeks, but I love going up and down the aisles finding more special touches to add to our wedding. I sewed my garter and ring bearer pillow last week, and today, I put together a guestbook with our pictures on each page. I was frustrated during the school year about how little I was able to do for preparing for the wedding, and now I'm so happy to be able to do it--and there's lots of catching up to do!
Jesse is home from his tour now, and I'm sooo happy to have him back! I love being able to call him whenever a thought crosses my mind. It's so wonderful to be able to get his insight or opinion on something so easily now, instead of having to wait for him to call me at night.
Jesse is driving up on Friday so that we can get our marriage license, design our programs, and finalize all of our arrangements for our honeymoon.

It is such a joy to be preparing for all of this!

shhh!

I'm pretty sure Jesse never checks this site (or at least, he won't have time to in the next two weeks!) so I figured it's safe to share a picture with you...
We did my hair up yesterday like I'll wear it for the wedding, and afterwards, I put on my wedding dress, played around with the veil, and even posed with the mock-bouquets we put together on Monday.

What do you think??? :)

Jesse called last night--what a surprise!
He's been in Canada for most of this week, so I haven't been expecting to hear from him because of how expensive it is to call out of the country.
When my phone rang last night, Dad smiled and said "there he is!" I picked up the phone slowly and really almost ignored it because it was a number I didn't recognize and I was tired and didn't feel like talking. Imagine my surprise when I heard Jesse's voice on the other end!
He said that he was staying with the family of the principal of the church school they performed at yesterday. Apparently, the husband of that family had to be gone the 2 weeks before their wedding too, and so both the husband and the wife ushered Jesse to their phone (where they have free 3-country calling)and let him call me. What a blessing!
Poor guy has been sick for the last few days. That's no fun when you're traveling all over the place and sleeping in a different bed every night... I'm praying that he gets good sleep in the next few days and feels better!
Speaking of beds, getting married and sleeping anywhere other than my sister Laura's top bunk is sounding more and more wonderful every day! I've been waking up all stiff every morning since I moved home last week, and that's getting old. Many good changes are coming soon!

20 days until our wedding...yes, I'm counting!

This has been such a busy month, what with finishing up school and work, graduating, and moving away from Concordia, there has barely been time to breathe!

Jesse left for handbell tour two days after we graduated. I miss him so incredibly much! Planning our wedding is taking all of my spare time, and I'm thankful that I don't have time to be moping around missing him, but at the same time, this busyness hurts too. It's hard to plan the wedding--our wedding--without being able to go to him for his input. I know weddings are kind of known as the bride's show, but I've been so thankful for the part that Jesse has had in planning our wedding. I love that it will reflect so much of both of us--as individuals, and as a couple. That is so special!

Wedding planning is such a joy. I'm so happy to be home now and to be able to put my own touches on things. It was hard to be planning while at school, with my time evenly distributed between classes, homework, and my little ones at the preschool. Laura (my sister) and I went to Michael's Crafts the other day and I spent about 2 hours just poring over all of the wonderful ideas there are in that store! I bought a book called "The Do It Yourself Bride." I'm so excited! It has ideas for making unique gifts for attendants, putting special touches on wedding favors, creating beautiful programs for the ceremony, even a time capsule for your guests to take part in! I love that I'm able to do that sort of thing now.

But then questions fly at me about what format the ceremony should follow, what the boutonnieres should look like, what colors the cake should be, how we're going to get from the ceremony to LAX for our honeymoon...and I wish I could run to Jesse for help.

He calls me every night--my highlight of each day! I'm able to share little bits with him, but I can't overwhelm him when he is states away! And tomorrow, he heads into Canada. I won't be able to talk to him again until he comes back down. I hate the thought of tomorrow without a phone call from him!

And then I remember how blessed I am...and what a wimp I'm being. We've been together in school for 3 years. I've been able to see him every day. We're getting married in 20 days, and we'll be together for the rest of our lives. I should be able to make it a few days.

I received a letter the other day from Mr. Bayles. He was an elder at our church for as long as I can remember, and moved a few years ago out of state to live with his family. His note said that he hoped that this stage of planning and preparation was a happy time. "Penny and I didn't get to see each other much before our wedding," he wrote, "the war prevented that."

How easy I have it!

Another sweet friend just had to say goodbye to her husband yesterday. They've been married for less than two years, and he is being deployed for another 6 month stretch leaving her and their brand new son at home.

Count your blessings, Bethany Elise. Jesse will be home in 6 days!

daydreams

So many wonderful, exciting thoughts and feelings fluttering around inside my heart right now, it's hard to contain it!
I am so full of joy. God is so good, taking care of details long before I ask Him to. What a blessing to be so loved!
Things are coming together. We now know that Jesse will be the intern at Hope Lutheran, in Glendora, CA. We also might already have somewhere to live! Friends of my mom's have offered to let us live in their three bedroom house in Rosemead. I'm so excited! All of the details aren't figured out yet, but it looks like it is going to work out.
I'm so excited! Mom let me know about the house two days after we found out that we would be in Glendora. I couldn't believe it! With how expensive everything is, we had just been hoping for a little one bedroom apartment. But a three bedroom home! There are so many things we could do with that. The family will need one of the bedrooms to store things in, but that leaves us with two bedrooms, and the rest of a HOUSE which is far more than we had been hoping for anyway! It's so hard to concentrate on being a good student right now when there are so many fun things to daydream about!
Jesse and I were walking the other day and he squeezed my hand and said "know what I've been thinking? We could put your harp in the extra bedroom, and I'll put a nice reading lamp in there so that I can come in and enjoy listening to you while I read." Things like that make me so joyful to realize that life can be like that!

April 10th, 2008

we find out tomorrow night where we will be for the next year of our lives. The Celebration of Ministries service is tomorrow night, and that is where they announce to all of the DCE graduates the churches they will be placed at.

I'm so excited! DCE interns can basically be placed anywhere there is a Lutheran church big enough to need one. My old roommate, Jaime, was placed in Seattle for her internship this year, and one of my friends, Ellie, went to New Zealand with her husband for his call. We know that we will be in CA though. We requested it that way, since I'm working on my CA teaching credential. What good would that do me in Wellington? I am kind of sad though, because I would love an adventure like that! (but I can't complain, since it is my fault!)

I know it's his placement, and his internship, but I think I'm just as excited about it as he is. It's not just affecting him. It will affect us both. I want to be involved in the church and share in everything that I can. I don't want the school to be "my thing" and have church be "his." We will be married, and sharing in everything. I can't wait to go there and find out how God can use me there too.

This time tomorrow night, I'll know what city we will be living in. Right now, I have no idea. It could be Sacramento, it could be San Diego. So many exciting possibilities! The most exciting thing of all, though, is knowing that God already has it planned out, and is just waiting for us tomorrow. I love encouraging people by saying "you may not know your life plans yet, but God does, and He's already got it underway," but this is so much bigger. We have no idea, but it's already arranged! It's like it's a big present sitting under the tree, all wrapped up and waiting for us to come tomorrow night to open it.

I'm going to be so proud of Jesse at that ceremony. I already am. I love him so much!

March 13th, 2008

Tonight in my Edu 461 class, Professor O'Connor told us that we want to be sure to request the district we would like to be placed for student teaching, because "the district you do your student teaching in is the district you'll be hired in." Aaaah!
We're still counting down the days to April 11th, the day we find out the church at which Jesse will be placed for internship--until then, I don't know what to request! Also, Jesse's internship is only one year, after which he can either accept a call to that church (if they really need a DCE), or move on and find something else. If I'm finished with student teaching in December and looking for a teaching position after that, I won't know if we will really be staying there or not until probably July.
I raised my concerns with Professor O'Connor. She put her hand on my shoulder and reminded me that God will take care of things. "He always does, and He always does a better job!" she said comfortingly.
It made me realize that I've been forgetting that sometimes lately. I've always been so trusting and have found it so easy to give everything to God. Maybe right now I'm having a harder time with that because these are the biggest unknowns I've ever faced: where are we going to be placed? where are we going to live? how are we going to afford to live? what happens after student teaching? where will we be after Jesse's internship?
A pretty big step from "where am I going to college?" !!!
But then on my walk back from class, I realized something:
I may be facing the biggest "unknowns" of my life, but I'm also confident of some really big "knowns" as well:

1. I have God on my side, and He's going to make everything happen exactly the way He wants it to, and
2. I'm marrying the love of my life in less than three months! Whether we live in a Mansion, Apartment, Shack, or House (MASH, anyone?) we're going to be happy! I love him so much, and loving him for the rest of my life is ALL I want for the rest of my life...so with him and with God, I'm set.

It's going to be a wonderful life!

March 12th, 2008

we find out a month from today (well, yesterday, technically!) what city we will be living in after we get married! It's so crazy to think we're getting this close. Graduation is 2 months away, our wedding is 88 days away, things are coming together! I'm SO ready. It's harder and harder to say goodnight to Jesse at the end of the day...it would be so comforting just to be able to curl up next to him and know that he will be there again when I wake up. How wonderful that will be!

I putter around on craigslist every once in a while to see what's available as far as housing goes. Everything is so expensive, I have no idea how we're going to do it. But God will provide. I know He will. I've been praying for months that He will provide something for us within our new church family, or at least housing that we can afford. So many things to think about! So many exciting things!

I've started counting down the weeks until we're married. Sunday was 13 weeks. To celebrate, I'm going to give Jesse a little something every week as we count down. Last Sunday, I gave him a case full of cds (his case with all of his favorites has disappeared--think it might be at the dealership--luckily, one of the first ways Jesse and I connected was through music, so I have most of his favorite cds saved to my computer!) I also made a compilation cd of music that makes me think of him. special songs! Most of them will probably be used at our reception, and it's special to think of that now as we listen to it.

We're getting there!

February 14th, 2008

My Valentine poem for Jesse

When I look at myself,

At my belongings and surroundings,

I realize that I have nothing to give to you.

Nothing to give but the hands that you hold so tightly in yours,

My heart, which is only for you,

And I realize how blessed I am.

Blessed to be the one you love,

The one you laugh with,

The one who shares your dreams.

Can it be that God can fashion this kind of love

So effortlessly, as if He had planned it for us

At the beginning of the world, knowing it would be

Just for us.

How blessed I am to look forward to

A life spent with you.

I never realized how deeply I would desire that--

But now, I know with every breath

That being with you

Is all I ever need.

Whenever I look down at my hand,

See the symbol of our promise,

A thrill goes through me that makes me

Want to dance on the mountain tops.

Somehow, in spite of my quirks and klutziness,

My stubborn times and my weakened state,

You love me.

It amazes and humbles and thrills me all at the same time.

Whoever knew that I could find a best friend, a confidante,

An adventurer, a dreamer, and my prince charming all in one person?

Never before would I have believed it,

But now, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

February 12th, 2008

I'm really supposed to be writing a paper on health and safety standards in the elementary classroom right now, but I realized that I haven't posted anything about our wedding website, and figured that I'd at least share a tidbit with you :)

How We Met:

We met our sophomore year in college when Bethany transferred to Concordia University. We made an interesting pair: Jesse was the saxophonist that our orchestra director always had to ask to play more softly, and Bethany was the harpist who could never play loud enough to make Jeff happy.

We clicked during Orchestra Retreat in 2005, discovering that we shared a common love for Craisins (and thought it was sacrilegious that half of the people in orchestra had no idea what those are), as well as children and music.

We remained casual friends until the next year's orchestra retreat where Jesse offered Beth a seat in his car for any off-campus events, and everyone else in the orchestra started whispering and pointing fingers.

A day that will always be special to us was the day we officially began dating. It was the Saturday after finals, and Jesse and Bethany drove up to Ventura to see her family. After spending some time with them (and an apparent aside conversation between Beth's dad and Jesse), the two of us drove the whole one mile trip to the beach in Bethany's hometown and walked along the shore at sunset. Above the sound of the strong wind and crashing waves, Jesse asked Bethany on that beach if she would date him, and she answered "yes!"

Then, before the wind blew us away, we ran back to the car and drove to the harbor, where we walked hand-in-hand underneath an umbrella in the soft rain, enjoying the excitement of the certainty that we had each found "the one."

How We Got Engaged:

A year later, Jesse proposed on the same beach at sunset. No hurricane-force winds or downpours this time, just a soft sunset and a sand dune to enjoy it from. While Bethany was enraptured with the sun setting behind her islands, Jesse slid to one knee and told Bethany how much he loved her and was looking forward to sharing the rest of his life with her.

Since it was Christmas Eve, our whole family was back at the house (and, because of an insider's tip from the father of the bride-to-be) everyone was waiting for us to return to celebrate!

February 8th, 2008

Stephanie's last day at the preschool was today. She gave her notice two weeks ago, but it still seems so fast. It made me realize that the changes have already begun. I KNOW that things will be changing within the next few months (heck, I'm graduating and getting married!) but I guess I didn't expect changes to be coming from other sides. It's so sad to say goodbye to Steph. It feels like the end of an era. It's been such happy times at the preschool. My close circle of friends, Dalia, Emilie, Stephanie...and right now, Doll's been out because of her knee surgery for the past 2 weeks, Emilie is thinking about looking for another job, and now Stephanie is gone. I'm going to miss all of them so much when I leave...I guess I just expected them all to stay there though, because none of them are moving!

So many changes...most for the good. I woke up this morning with the realization that I am getting married four months from today! It's still so hard to believe. I'm so excited! And I'm more ready than ever. Jesse and I have focused on filling out our registries the last two weeks, and I think we're pretty much done. That's such a relief! And so exciting...we've filled up our dreamhouse. I can't wait to live with him. It is going to be so incredibly amazing!

January 5th, 2008

it hasn't even been two weeks since we officially became engaged. these are such happy times! I love being able to talk with Jesse about our wedding, or our home, or our kids--there is so much excitement about the future!

At the same time, we are cherishing every moment of right now, too. Being engaged is amazing. My heart is nearly bursting with joy, and realizing that Jesse shares the same feeling is exhilarating. I love the way that he plays with my ring, and the gentle way he still kisses my finger, the gentle look in his eyes...

I'm staying with Gramma and Papa again until school starts (jan 14). Jesse is back on campus because he is an RA, but anyone else that wants to be there has to pay $350. It's so nice to be back in town and not have school! Every day when I get off work, Jesse picks me up and then we go get something to eat, go see a movie, or just head back to Gramma and Papa's to relax. We've worked on wedding things the last few days and have actually gotten a lot done! We designed a wedding website yesterday, and I'm so excited! www.muellerandbrubaker.weddings.com . We also went through the Lutheran Service Book to look for hymns we would like to have in our wedding, as well as seeing the layout of a wedding liturgy and dividing things up between his pastor and my dad so that they are each involved. I'm really thankful with the input Jesse has given so far, and I'm happy that he is so involved!

Yesterday and today, I have been in a lot of pain and I haven't felt up to doing anything. We were planning on spending today at Disneyland, but when I woke up, I knew that wasn't happening. Jesse waited until I had taken a nice long bath and then he came over to take care of me. We spent the day on the couch watching movies, reading, and filling out silly quizzes online. Times like these make me so thankful for someone who loves me enough to take care of me through everything, to provide as much comfort as he can for me, and to love me even when I'm not feeling particularly loveable. Thank You, God!!!

He is such an amazing guy. I'm so blessed. He called me "fiancee" again tonight...the thought gives me goosebumps!

I can't wait to be Mrs. Jesse Brubaker!

December 24th, 2007

Jesse proposed on the beach at sunset, at the same spot he asked me to date him a year ago.

I am so full of joy, my heart can't contain it!

Thank You, God, for creating someone who loves me enough that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

What an amazing feeling. I am so blessed!

As he kissed me goodnight tonight, he called me his bride-to-be. I got goosebumps. It's so incredible.

We've been talking about getting married for months, but now that it's official, it's so completely different. I didn't know I could be this happy. And now, we are free to share our joy!

I love him so much, God, so much.

Merry Christmas!

December 14th, 2007

Jesse stopped mid-sentence tonight to comment on how pretty my eyes were. I love that about him!
I love that we are so in love...

I'm in my room right now waiting for him to drive up. My things are all packed, and we're heading out tonight! I won't be back here til mid-january. Such a crazy thought! This is going to be one whirlwind Christmas break, but I'm really looking forward to it. I'm so happy!

My little ones keep asking me what I want for Christmas. I just laugh and smile. Miss Bethany wants something small, circular, and shiny :)
They don't get it. I had one kid offer to get me a pie!

I love him so much...Thank you, God!

December 12th, 2007

I love the way he takes my left hand when he says good night, or even just when we're enjoying a quiet moment, and kisses me right on my ring finger.

It's like a promise that only the two of us know. These are such happy days!

December 7th

just had to share my realization:

• A week from now, I'll be finished with this semester

• Two weeks from now, I'll be in Kansas with Jesse and his family

• Three weeks from now, I'll be at Tahoe with Jesse and my family

just sharing the JOY!!!

December 6th, 2007

I've had a low fever since Tuesday night. I missed work yesterday because I felt so horrible, and even when I showed up at the preschool today, they sent me home. It's so weird not to be at work during the day. I'm almost going crazy. It makes me realize more and more that I don't fit in here any more. Being on campus for the last two days and seeing what people actually do (or don't do) during the day kind of surprised me. I only had my first semester at Concordia where I wasn't working 30 hours a week...I guess I forgot what life was like without having a job. It's so weird to look out my window at 11:00 on a Thursday morning and see people strolling up to the cafeteria in their pajamas, or hear the guys next door playing Halo, or hear a snooze button getting hit again and again... By that time, I've usually already been working for three hours!
Right now, I'm missing out on preparing lunch for my little ones, making sure they all wash their hands before they come in, and smiling at their flushed faces as they hang up their coats and sit in their little blue chairs.

I hate being sick!!!

Jesse's taking care of me, though. He's been so sweet! He brings me tea, offers to get anything I need from the store, and comes to check in on me. He picked me up from work on Tuesday because he didn't want me walking back with a fever. Yesterday he came by between his classes to make sure I was ok, to hug me, and to tuck me in under all my covers.

Last night when he stopped by after his meeting, he was concerned that I was still planning on going back to work in the morning. "You're still sick," he said, "you need to rest!" I insisted on going. It nearly killed me to miss yesterday! "Just promise me," he finally said when he knew I wasn't going to give in, "that if you wake up in the morning and you're still not feeling well, just suck it up and don't go to work!" I laughed, because I wasn't expecting to be told to "suck it up" and NOT go. He laughed too. "Anybody else, I would tell them to suck it up and go, but for you, it's just the opposite," he said, "it's OK to be sick, Beth!"

Well, I wasn't feeling that great when I got up this morning, but I didn't want to go another day without my little ones. So I showered, got dressed, and walked to work. When I got there, Michelle (the director) asked me how I was doing. I was honest: "not that great, but I'm here!" She said that she had already replaced me for the day, and since I still had a fever, she wanted me to go home. Dalia didn't have to clock in for 20 more minutes, so she insisted on driving me back to my dorm. When I was back on campus, I called Jesse. The first thing he said was "you didn't suck it up, did you?" !!!

He had me come over to his room and spend the day there on his couch. He made sure I had tea, was comfortable, and kept me company. We both did our homework in the living room. He gets distracted easily, so I hope my presence didn't hurt him in that respect. It was very nice to be able to cuddle up on a couch next to him for a whole day, though!

Thank You, God, for someone who takes such good care of me!

December 1st, 2007

Last night as Jesse said goodnight, he asked me what we should do in the morning. He said we could go to IHOP for breakfast, or something like that, just to have a morning where it was just the two of us. I love mornings like that! I suggested doing something cheaper...I love going places with him, but I don't like it when he spends money on us! Next year is going to be an entirely different fruitcake, financially, so saving up now is a good thing. We decided to pick up bagels and Starbucks on the way to the lake, and then just sit there, enjoying the calm morning and our warm, yummy breakfast.

When I woke up this morning, the first thing I thought about was rain! It poured all day yesterday. Before I got out of bed this morning, I just groaned and wondered how we could have forgotten about the weather! But when I got up and looked out the window, I saw that the sky had cleared over night, and that while it was still very cold outside, it was promising to be a beautiful day.

I met him in his room at 10:00, and we drove over to the Alton Marketplace to get our breakfast. With that in hand, we went over to the lake armed with coats and a blanket as well. We also brought our book to read (right now it's The Picture of Dorian Gray) but we never picked it up. We just sat there on the bench at the lake, eating and chatting, and laughing at all the birds that swarmed around us.

It was such a beautiful morning! Crisp and cool (so cold our breath made steam on the wind!) and that vibrant autumn coloring.

I'm so thankful for times like these. When we can just escape for a little while and enjoy being together. I love sharing nature with him, enjoying God's perfect artwork, watching the birds paddle across the lake, and watching the colors change on the trees and water and the sun plays hide-and-seek behind the clouds. I love cuddling up next to Jesse's warmth, his arms and blanket wrapped around me, shielding me from the wind. I love the way our laughter rings out so bright on clear autumn air.

I love talking about houses and children and futures, playing up different scenarios or designing family rooms in our minds. We want a big family room, with a fireplace and lots of couches and blankets. Jesse says that in the winter, we'll all gather there to read together. I imagined watching a family scene--children cuddling up to Daddy while he reads Runny Babbit or the Hobbit, giggling at his voices and falling asleep near the cozy warmth of a crackling fire. I would be crocheting by the lamp in the corner, or baking cookies within hearing distance, popping in every once in a while to smile at the ones I love. Or I'd be cuddling up with the rest of them, holding Baby.

So many happy times ahead! And so many happy times right now. I know we're hitting a busy time right now, with only two weeks left of this semester. That might have been the last chance Jesse and I will have like that until school is out for Christmas, but we'll see. Just push through the next couple weeks, and then it's Christmas Break!

I love him!

November 24th, 2007

well, I guess as long as I'm breaking my promise, I might as well not stop at reading, huh?

Mom and I went to visit our friends the Lamos' ranch in Ojai today. They have offered it to us to use for the wedding if we want. Jesse and I hadn't talked about the option of an outdoor wedding. I always wanted one when I was younger (ever since Uncle Todd and Aunt Paula had theirs when I was 10) but recently, the thought hadn't occurred to me. Outdoor weddings have too many variables--it was scary to me! Just weather alone... But we're looking at June, which is the most temperate month we have--and oh! outdoor weddings are just so beautiful.

The Lamos' ranch is unbelievable. I couldn't ask for something more perfect. The grounds are just perfect for a wedding--like it was designed with that in mind. There is a large grassy area for the ceremony, with a beautiful rose trellis arch and pink rose bushes surrounding the whole area, a cobble stone pathway, a beautiful pool and jacuzzi on the patio off to the right, complete with a pool house/ guest house with surround sound! There is a water fountain, and magnolia trees, wisteria, crepe murtle, and roses everywhere. It is so perfect. I took pictures for Jesse, but they don't do it justice. I want him to see it!

Of course, I can't get my hopes up, because we hadn't really talked about it beforehand, and I still haven't heard how he would feel about it. I'm looking forward to a calm time this week when we can talk about it and see what happens! But ooooh! It is SO beautiful!

November 23rd, 2007

I did it. I broke my own rule. I made myself promise months ago that I would not allow myself to start any wedding planning or daydreaming until we were officially engaged.

But I spent two hours in the Wedding Planning section of Barnes and Noble today. It was amazing! So exhilarating and exciting, and productive and dreamy...and fun :)

I know that the days ahead will pass too quickly. I won't have time to accomplish everything I'll need to! Ideally, I would spend Christmas Break planning and preparing, but it's looking pretty busy! Our last day of finals is December 14th, we are going to Bianca's to make tamales on the 15th, the 16th is our first anniversary, we fly out to Kansas at 7am on the 17th, spend the week there and fly back on the 21st so that we can attend Gramma's big family Christmas party on the 22nd. Then I have two whole days of lovely unplannedness (so far, at least!) and then there is Christmas! The day after Christmas, my family and Jesse and I are heading up to Tahoe for a week in the snow, and then I'm back to work on January 2nd, which means Jesse and I will have to leave the mountains early to get back in time. My goodness!

But I had so much fun. So many good ideas on special touches for the wedding, or required things that I didn't even think about (blood tests? ick!). I bought two books that are expressly written to help you save money on a wedding (which will be wonderful! I'm leaving one of them with Mom to do as she will). Then I bought a book called "The Engaged Groom" for Jesse (it came with high reviews, and I thought it would be a fun read for our plane ride to Kansas!), and one for me titled "Bride to Be." I'm half way through it already.

I guess I'd better really set a budget for this wedding before I spend it all on books at Barnes and Noble!!!

November 22nd, 2007

so many things to be thankful about...

I remembered this morning back to a year ago today...I was so completely in love with Jesse by then, but hadn't told anyone yet (nor had we shared those feelings aloud with each other). It was a secret that made me smile, blush, and ache at the same time. I remember baking cookies for Thanksgiving, daydreaming about him the whole time, and losing track of how many teaspoons of salt I had added to the batch. My heart was singing about him, and I couldn't share it with anyone else!

Now we are soon to be celebrating one beautiful year of dating. I love him so much! And I am so thankful for him. Every day of this year has truly been a blessing. I am in love with my best friend. And now, this Thanksgiving, I'm holding another secret: we're getting married! We're not announcing it until we are officially engaged. But in my heart, I am engaged to him. I've already made that promise to him. All I want is the opportunity to love him and cherish him for the rest of my life. And he has shown the same promise to me in a thousand different ways. The only thing we are lacking is a physical symbol of our promise. But it's coming :)

I am so thankful for him! God, I thank You for putting him in my life, for giving him (and me!) the patience to wait until the right time to begin dating, for the beautiful relationship we have together, for the times we've shared with friends, and for the times we have to spend together alone, for the laughs we've shared together, and for the way that he holds me and prays with me in hard times, for the way our hands join automatically whenever we're within touching distance, for our conversations about the future, for the way You allow us to find time to spend together even in the midst of our hectic schedules, for the quiet times we share together reading, for the teamwork you've created in us--helping each other with homework and projects and commitments. I thank you for the relationships we have built with each other's families, and I thank you for Bianca. I thank you for the joy we find in merely being together, for the thrills I feel whenever he looks at me, and for the dreams we have of all of our "somedays." Thank you for providing for our every need, so that even when we don't see an immediate answer to a situation, we can trust in You and know that everything will work out with Your perfect timing.

I love looking at last Thanksgiving and comparing it to this Thanksgiving, with all of the changes that have come this year. So much joy, and so many blessings. Thank You, God! Last year, I knew I loved him, and wanted to date him. This year, I know I love him, and that I want to be his wife! Looking ahead at next year, it fills me with awe to realize that we will be married, and we will be sharing our first Thanksgiving together. So many things have changed in the last year, and so many changes will be made in the year to come. Who knows? Next year, we could all be celebrating Thanksgiving at OUR house!

November 14th, 2007

last night, our conversation lulled and Jesse broke out into the biggest smile.
"What?" I asked him.
"Oh, nothing," he said, trying to wipe the smile away.
I prodded, and he finally gave in.
"I'm thinking about something I get to do during Thanksgiving break."
"With me, or without me," I asked.
He smiled again. "Without."
I put on a pout and teased him about doing anything fun without me.
He gently pressed my ring finger between two of his fingers and smiled. "Size seven, right?"

November 12th, 2007

I love him!

knowing that by this time next year, we will be married, makes things so different and exciting now. I'm so happy. I don't even know how to express it. It's a blend of being utterly thrilled,exuberantly joyful, and completely content--all at once.

I love him!

October 28th, 2007

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

--ee cummings

October 27th, 2007

I love him!!!

that's all. I'm perfectly, completely, and incandescently happy...there isn't another way to say it.

October 11th, 2007

Jesse met me at my room after I got off work today. I had a headache, so he just sat down and pulled me to him, resting my head against his chest. I love the way he loves me! We sat that way for nearly an hour, until it was 3:00 and time for both of us to go to class. My headache was so bad that I didn't think I could go to rehearsal (imagine sitting in front of three french horns with the beginnings of a migraine!). I said I would just walk up to rehearsal and tell Jeff that I couldn't do it today. Jesse picked up the phone and called Jeff instead, telling him I wouldn't be there today and saving me the trip up to the PAX. He made sure I had water and an excedrin before leaving me, and told me to rest and get better. And boy did I! I woke up fifteen minutes before my night class--at 5:45! I couldn't believe it. But the nap helped a lot, and my head is hurting less (which is a really good thing, because once a migraine grabs hold, it does not want to let go!).

After I got out of my class, Jesse was waiting for me in his room for time to relax and watch a movie. He had tea for me, and orange juice...I think he takes better care of me than I take of myself! I had never seen Home Alone before, so we watched that. I had homework to do tonight, so I brought it and my computer with me and did it during the first half hour or so of the movie. Once I was finished, it was so nice just to sit together and get lost in a movie... I'm happy any time I can cuddle up to him :)

When the movie was over, he walked me back to my room to say goodnight. I ducked into the bathroom real quick, and when I came out, he had already turned on my computer, printed out my homework, and set it on top of my binder, all stapled and ready to go for tomorrow. Sometimes, I'm blown away by how loving--and thoughtful--he is. Thank you, God!

I love him so much. When midnight rolls around and we have say goodnight before privacy hours, it's so hard to let go of him. I can't wait til the day I can fall asleep in his arms.

October 9th, 2007

We're taking a course on Philippians together this semester. The one and only class we will be able to take together during our entire college experience. But that's ok; I think I'd be a horrible student if I got to sit next to him in every class! Most of the notes in my binder are written to him, and with his arm around me, who's thinking about Paul in prison?!? It's kind of a funny class. Just five students, and Jesse and I are the youngest by 35 years, at least. The topic of conversation is very rarely on the book of Philippians, either, so it doesn't really matter that my attention is elsewhere 97% of the time. I'm just happy to sit beside him, holding his hand so that one of us has to write left handed sometimes (we're both getting pretty good!)

Something funny to add about Saturday: we went into Borders on Saturday night to pick up a new book to read together (we read Princess Bride together last semester, and were looking for something new). A book in the Best Sellers section reminded me how much I love children's books, so I asked him if we could take a quick jaunt to the children's section. As we walked through the aisle of children's books, we talked about old favorites and reminisced through the pages of ones we had as children. Jesse found The Mitten (which I remember from growing up too) and I enlightened him on the joys of Runny Babbit. It was so much fun to hand him that book and have him read it! He really got into it, too, and we stood there reading it for like 20 minutes. I can tell that we are going to have so much fun with children's books, someday! If we enjoy them this much right now when it's just the two of us, how amazing will it be to share our favorite stories with sleepy little heads of our own?
We had fun. And as we walked out of Borders that night, Jesse chuckled and mentioned something about having to "tell Peter." "Tell Peter what?" I asked. Jesse laughed again and said that Peter had told him that for their third date, he was planning on taking a girl to the children's section of a bookstore. Apparently, he had this "theory" about how that's one of the best ways to get to know someone and have a good time. How funny! Here we had just had a wonderful time doing just that (at my suggestion) and according to Peter Burroughs, that's one of the best ways to spend a date night! And now that we've done it, I second the opinion :)

October 8th, 2007

sigh...I wish every day could be like yesterday.
To be able to spend a day with him where we really don't do anything but simply be together is so precious. It was a wonderful day! I woke up, met a friend for brunch to celebrate our birthdays, and then spent the rest of the day with my love. We had no where we had to be, nothing we were required to do...what a blessing! I think that's the second time this has happened this school year. We're both so incredibly busy...and our schedules seem to be exactly the opposite. I'm thankful that this is our last year of college. I love school, and I'm so thankful that I came here--I met him here!--but I'm very ready to graduate and be finished. We love to talk about our "somedays." Someday, we'll do this; someday, we will do that. I'm looking forward to living our somedays!
But thank You, God, for yesterday. For the chance to be with my best friend for an entire day; for the opportunity just to be near him, to laugh, to cuddle, to kiss, even to fall asleep in his arms in the warmth of the afternoon. To be able to go out to dinner like a "date" (and to be thankful that we don't feel like we have to do "date-like" things when we're together!) Thank you for bringing me someone who cherishes me the way I am--even with my klutzy moments and graceful blunders--someone whose tender passion makes me melt, someone I yearn for every moment I am away from him. I love him so much, God, and...this may sound funny, but I can feel Your love through him. I love that You are part of our love--You created it!

an introduction

I began an online journal last year as a way to share my writings with Jesse. Since then, he has given me permission to share them with others, so I will put a collection of them here.
copy and paste, here I come!